Salam.

Thanks admin approve this confession. Aku graduate UIA gombak tahun 2004. So, yes, abang is quite old already ye adik-adik.

Sorry yang baca title mesti panasss je kan? Haha. Ni bukan cerita atas katil ye. Dan cerita ni panjang sikit. harap bersabar.

Cerita dia macam ni. actually, aku mula-mula kahwin dengan wife aku bukan sebab rasa sayang. honestly takde rasa sayang langsung. cinta2 pun takde. suka sikit2 tu mungkin ada la. almaklumla aku ni bukan jenis yang romantik, bukan jenis yang cheesy. and I’ve never said “I love you” pd wife aku. tak reti. sorry, my bad. but i hope every other action yg aku dah buat sepanjang perkahwinan kami, dia tau aku hargai dia sebagai wanita kat sisi aku. by the way, wife aku graduate UIA jugak tapi few years later. 2007 kalau tak silap. kita jumpa waktu aku pergi konvo adik angkat aku. hewhew.

okay tadi baru intro. nak diceritakan, wife aku ni berpenyakit sikit. emm banyak jugak la kot. heh. saakit apa tu aku takyah cerita la. keep it general so that if ada orang lain in the same situation, boleh relate sekali walaupun penyakit berbeza..

aku takde hal sebenarnya dengan saakit fizikal dia. dia suruh urut, i’m at your service, baby. dia tak larat jalan (since pregnant sampai beranak) aku sanggup pimpin. heck, aku sanggup dukung. cuma nak dukung tu tak larat lah. sorry, sayang. bi tak cukup kuat. my bad. its just that when you have a very weak phisical, I really need her mental to be strong. but she isn’t. no matter how strong the support I gave, she just keep seeing the bad part of it. and even a little push will make her sad pastu nangis je la. haih perempuan kan? end up apa pun tak boleh buat.

aku bagi contoh lah supaya korang faham. camni. kau bayangkan dia punya saakit tu sampai takleh jalan. dah few times collapse sebab the lower part of her body is very weak. so, bagi aku, its crucial for her to do everything she needs to do when I am available. contoh la. dia nak makan. dah dia nak makan tu aku pegi la gigih beli makanan. atau masak. balik je beli makanan, atau time aku msak tu, saakit dia datang. mood swing. pastu tak nak makan. sebab saakit. nak tidur je, I was like OKAYYYYY. korang rasa aku nak kena buat apa? kalau aku force dia makan, dia akan jadi sedih. katanya aku tak faham kesaakitan dia. ni dah lepas bersalin tau. kalau time pregnant dulu aku faham la mood swing tahap dewa ni kan.

tapi bila mood dia dah okay sikit, which is usually tengah2 malam, (dan aku yakin, her pain does not fully go away pun), dan dia dah betul2 lapar (dia jenis tak boleh lapar. kalau tak makan nanti gastrik, and this is why aku memang KENA paksa dia makan), dan aku dah tidur pun time tu (biasanya aku tidur mati time baru2 tidur tu. selepas sejam dua baru lah kalau dikejut aku akan bangun), dia sanggup merangkak ke dapur utk amik makanan yang biasanya express food macam megi yang dia tahu aku larang makan.

so I was like, REALLYYYY???? kenapa taknak makan je time makanan ada? bukan nya tak pernah aku bawak makanan pada dia. dia tak payah gerak kemana-mana pun. sit there and wait for the food. kalau memang free, aku siap suapkan makanan. and I’m wondering dia tak pernah perasan ke effort aku selama ni? bila aku tanya lebih, mula lah here come the tears and the “bi tak faham apa yang sayang rasa. tak ada siapa pun faham apa yang sayang rasa. kalau kena saakit yang tak boleh jalan macam ni bi faham la” reallyy?? like, reallyyyyyyyyyy?

phew~

so, you still remember yang aku kawin bukan sebab sayang kan? tahu kenapa hati aku tetap pilih dia walaupun takde rasa sayang? sebab bagi aku sayang tu boleh dipupuk. kau dah duduk serumah tidur sekatil, confirm rasa sayang tu akan datang. sooner, or later. and with marriage, bagi aku, kau akan cuba pertahankan jugak walau apa pun masalah yang datang. kalau couple, i’m pretty sure aku dah give up. and the actual reason aku pilih dia is sebab akhlak dia dan penampilan dia. she has that “motherly” look. and that is what i’m looking for in a girl, dulu. the perfect mother for my future children. unfortunately, she’s not even close to being “motherly” she’s just like other immature girl. I cook better than her. I do the dishes better. I wash the clothes better. dan aku lagi rajin lipat baju daripada dia. cuma appearance dia je yang nampak motherly. tu dah buat aku sedih sikit dah. nasib baik dia punya akhlak is not fake. but, never mind. i’ll still try to make this work. this is a marriage. it is designed to last forever. lepas ada anak ni aku faham the mother nature will come naturally. don’t force it and dont look for it.

a lil tip from me? dont judge a book by its cover. yup. cliche. but, true. looks does deceive you. jangan cari pasangan hidup berdasarkan rupa. tak kira la kau cari rupa yang hot macam angelina jolie ke atau rupa yang keibuan macam fauziah nawi ke. dont. find other angle as the criteria. okay habis selingan. haha

so, the thing is, sekarang aku dah makin penat. my advises is ignored. whatever i said, in the end aku pun tak tahu macam mana, come back to be my fault (yes, just like other women). cuma sebab I have to give extra effort, so jadi penat lebih sikit untuk layan perangai macam ni. and everytime i tried to love you more, you buat perangai that pushes me away. (and people, i’m not talking about seex here. please. we, the guys, have our own ways to let it go kalau wife tak mampu. haha) nevertheless, aku masih cuba dan cuba dan terus mencuba to make this work. aku taknak berhenti setengah jalan. I wannna spend the rest of my life with one and only one woman. because she is my wife. so, aku harap dia baca confession ni, dan walaupun dia tak rasa confession ni ditujukan kepada dia, aku harap confession ni akan buat dia berfikir.

Sayang, you have to be stronger! I know you cannot be stronger physically, but mentally, spiritually, YOU HAVE TO. jangan fikir yang orang sekeliling ni tak faham sayang. we love you, and we are here for you, to support you. sometimes we make joke about your disease. sorry, but we just want you to know, you disease, its not a big issue to us! its critical, but it should not restrain you from having fun. make joke about it. have fun! belittle your disease! its nothing compared to the happiness you’ll get. I’m not tired because I have to take care of you. I’m not tired because you take much time of my life. I’m not tired because I have to layan you mcm mana a wife should layan her husband.

Instead I am as the husband layan you, my wife. I’ll cook for you. I’ll wash your clothes. I’ll do the dishes every single time, over and over again. I need you to understand my feelings. I don’t mind you did not fulfill my needs but please, jaga perasaan i jugak ye sayang. jangan asyik nak marah pada i. jangan suka tengking i. kita nak masuk syurga sama-sama kan? ya, i sihat takde penyakit macam sayang. tapi i jugak punya perasaan.

that’s all.

sincerely, your husband, still trying to love you seratus persen.

Kredit : Ed via confession iium / utusan kami

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